


Secrets

by williamherondale



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-14 22:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/williamherondale/pseuds/williamherondale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has a secret he's been keeping from everyone and he may not be able to keep it a secret for much longer, especially now that he is living with Magnus</p>
<p>Let me know if anyone wants more to this story</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is post cohf so may contain spoilers and it does self harm elements so may be triggering (i have a headcanon that alec self harms and it really interested me so i thought i would write one plus im in a writing mood so why not - leave any contructive criticism please if you do read also I'm still practicing writing so no sex scenes atm not till i get used to writing or better at it anyway sorry!)  
> okay im actually interested in this story so im going to add some chapters. If you don't like the additions you can pretend it finished at the end of chapter one :3  
> also i really recomend these mixes for tmi the malec one is perf http://8tracks.com/ligtwood

Alec Lightwood was in Magnus's bathroom with his head against the mirror trying to take deep breaths. "No, No I don't need to do it." He thought. He was clutching a razor blade. Why was he doing this? Why didn't he just talk to Magnus or anyone about this?  
No.  
He couldn't.  
Who would understand?  
Besides, it was easy to cover. He was a demon hunter after all, no one would question where he got these scars and if he wanted to he could use an _Iratze_ to get rid of the evidence, which he did occasionally especially when he knew Jace was going to have to mark him.  
He was still questioning why today. He thought he was happy. Maybe everything was too much. Maybe the situation with his dad had affected him more than he thought. Or maybe it was Isabelle almost dying. What would he have done without her? He had already lost Max.  
Alec heard the door to the apartment open.  
"Alec, you here?" Magnus shouted.  
Alec took a deep breath, looked in the mirror. "No. I don't need to do this." He thought. Maybe if he repeated it enough he would believe it. Besides, Magnus was here now, he couldn't exactly do it now. Not when it would be so obvious. He hid the razor blade in the cupboard making sure it was well hidden.  
"Yeah I'm here." Walking out of the bathroom to go greet his boyfriend. "Hey," He said smiling and going to hug him. Alec always found comfort in his arms. Magnus wrapped Alec in a long and warm embrace. "Hey," Magnus said before bending to kiss Alec, hard and slow. Alec was running his hands under Magnus's shirt, up and down his back.  
"Are you tired? I think we should go to bed...." Magnus suggested, already trying to take of Alec's shirt. Alec pulled the warlock by his hands into the bedroom ready to continue. Magnus already had his shirt off. Alec pulled him towards him and kissed him passionately, taking his shirt off in the dark before falling onto the bed with Magnus on top of him. 

****

Alec was resting his head on Magnus's chest. Magnus was fast asleep and Alec was listening to his heartbeat. Slow and steady. Alec was careful getting out of bed, trying not to wake him as he got up, got his jumper and a pair of jogging bottoms and walked to the bathroom. This mood was not going away. Usually there was only one solution. He swore to himself that he wouldn't do it again. Not after Max. He closed his eyes. He couldn't shake the idea that he almost lost Izzy. And Jace. All he could see was Izzy limp in his arms dying from the demon poison in her leg and Jace engulfed in flames. He tried to distract himself by thinking of anything else but nothing would come.  
Why tonight? he thought. Maybe it was the thought that Jace and Izzy went to handle a call from the institute without him, it was only a small disturbance and besides Alec was injured the last battle they had but he was basically all healed now. Jace and Izzy were just being overly protective of him, he knew, but couldn't help feeling like he should have argued to go out with them or even meet them there but Jace specifically didn't tell them where it was just so that Alec could get the proper rest he needed before he went out again. Then he thought of Magnus. What would he do if he lost all of them? He couldn't. He wouldn't be able to handle anything without them. 

Before he knew what he was doing he had the razor blade in his hand. He couldn't stop himself. He had raised his hand to his wrist and made a slash along his wrist, blood coming to the surface of the cuts. He did it again and again. Then stopped. Looked at what he had done, dropped the blade in shock and walked backwards till he hit the wall, sliding down it till he was on the floor. He could never protect them all the time. He should have accepted this now, they were Shadowhunters after all and in the face of danger all the time and Alec wouldn't always be there to protect them. They were brilliant though, they were fine, they had texted him letting him know they were fine. So why did he still feel like this?  
Alec felt utterly useless. He put his face in his hands and began to cry.

****

Alec woke up still sitting on the bathroom floor. Momentarily forgetting why he was in the bathroom before he looked down at his writs.  
Shit.  
The events from last night came rushing back. He stood up, checking to see if any of the blood from his wrist got anywhere on his clothes. He needed to use an _Iratze_ and forget this all happened. He was fine, he told him self. Absolutely fine. He rubbed his face and went to wash his wrist of the dried blood. Alec had to be quick, he didn't know when Magnus was going to get up. He washed his wrist quickly and the sink to get rid of the blood. Everything seemed to be done. He checked to see where the razor was. Panic washed over him. He couldn't see it.  
Shit. He thought. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, calming himself before he looked again.  
After a quick search he found it under the sink. Thank God.  
He quickly disposed of it before walking into the living room to get his stele. Alec checked on Magnus, he was still asleep but he didn't know for how much longer.  
He sat on the sofa, stele in hand, rolling his sleeves up wincing slightly at the pain.  
Alec stared at his wrist for a moment. Why did he continue to do this? What was he doing?  
The sound of Magnus getting up dragged him out of his daze. Alec had to make a decision, _Iratze_ or sleeves down? Sleeves down. He could do the _Iratze_ later. He wasn't quick enough.  
Magnus walked in. "Good morning, How long have you been up?" He asked walking towards Alec, then stopped in his tracks when he saw Alec's wrist.  
Alec hastily pulled his sleeve down and got up.  
"Alec," Magnus said in a concerned voice. "What's going on?"  
"Nothing." Alec replied quickly, voice shaking.  
Magnus went to walk towards Alec. He backed up. Magnus's face full of concern.  
"I know what you are going to say," Alec said, blinking back tears. "You are going to say How could I do this and how could you ever love me now." Alec said, tears forming in his eyes.  
"No." Magnus whispered. "What I was going to say was are you okay?" Magnus said walking slowly towards Alec.  
"No. I - I don't think I am." Alec answered, tears streaming down his face.  
Magnus pulled Alec into an embrace. "Alec, it's okay, you can talk to me, I will always love you."  
Alec buried his head into Magnus's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He kept repeating  
Magnus held him tighter. 

****

They stayed like this for what seemed like hours.  
Eventually, Magnus Broke away and pulled Alec on to the sofa next to him.  
"Now," Magnus said. "I have one question and I think you know what It is."  
Alec stared into those magnificant gold-green cat eyes. "You are going to ask why." Alec whispered.  
Magnus nodded and Alec looked away before he started crying again. He pulled his knees to his chest and shrugged. "I don't know." He mumbled. "Well, I kind of do but Its hard to explain." He looked at Magnus who stayed silent.  
"I just want to understand so I can help." Magnus said, holding Alec's hand. "I love you and I want to help you the best I can okay? Nothing will stop me loving you."  
"I love you too," Alec said quietly. "It's just.. I don't want to burden you with my stupid problems."  
"You are not burdening me Alexander, I want to help."  
Alec took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Okay, I will try and tell you but I don't know how much I am ready to say yet." Alec said, chancing a look at Magnus.  
"Okay, I get it," Magnus responded. "How about we start with last night yeah?" Magnus suggested.  
"You are going to tell me I'm being stupid." Alec said, reluctant to say anything.  
"No, Alexander, I would never think that." Magnus said, he went and pulled Alec into another embrace, Alec's head resting on Magnus's chest.  
Alec hesitated before answering. "I was worried about Izzy and Jace. I know what you are thinking, they are Shadowhunters and they will always be in danger but I - I don't know. I can't loose them. I just can't. And I can't loose you either." Alec paused before continuing. "I kept thinking of all of you dying and I couldn't handle it. I didn't even realise what I was doing till it was too late." Alec paused. Waiting for Magnus to push him away, kick him out, do anything. Say anything.  
Magnus reached for Alec's arms, pulled down the sleeves and looked at the fresh cuts.  
"Does it hurt?" Was all he said. Alec nodded slowly. Magnus pulled his arms up and kissed his arms. Alec felt a jolt of magic pass through him and felt the pain fade as well as the marks.  
"You didn't have to do that." Alec said. "I could have used an _Iratze_."  
"I know," Magnus said. "But I wanted to do something to help." He kissed the top of Alec's head.  
"Thank you." Alec mumbled. "I'm sorry."  
"You don't have to apologise." Magnus said quickly. "I just want you to talk to me next time you feel like you need to do this okay?"  
Alec stayed silent.  
"And I want you to know, I love you no matter what okay? Nothing will ever make me stop loving you."  
Alec's eyes shined with tears. "I love you too" he said, his voice shaking.  
Alec shifted slightly so that he could look up at Magnus.  
"I'm sorry I never told you. I will try and stop but its... Its hard."  
"I know," Magnus said. "And you know that Isabelle and Jace are brilliant shadowhunters. They can handle themselves."  
Alec let out a slight laugh. "They are some of the best I know. But I can't stop worrying about them getting hurt. I don't want them to die, Magnus. I just feel useless sometimes. Like I can't protect them."  
"You won't be able to protect them from everything, but you are also a brilliant Shadowhunter and you protect them when you can, I know you will. Just do one thing for me."  
"What's that?"  
"Look after yourself too. I care about you and hate to see you hurt." Magnus said, entwining his fingers with Alec's.  
"You remember when you said you always need my strength?" Alec asked.  
"Yeah, I always do."  
"I think I need some of your strength too." Alec said.  
"You can have it, as much as you need." Magnus responded.  
"I love you Magnus."  
"I love you too, sweet pea."  
Alec laughed, "Sweetpea? I thought we went over this."  
"What? I like it." Magnus responded with a light laugh.  
Alec turned so he was lying on his side, his head still resting on Magnus's chest. Magnus was playing with his hair.  
For a change Alec felt slightly lighter. He knew he wasn't there yet, but he was glad he had Magnus to help him.  
They laid like that for a while, talking and laughing, eventually falling asleep on eachother.  
Alec thought this was the happiest he felt in what felt like months.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay im still in a writing mood and i am slightly invested in this story and want to write more plus im in a writing mood again :$

When Alec woke he was lying in bed. He didn't remember going to bed, the last thing he did remember was falling asleep on Magnus's chest on the sofa. He got up, rubbed his face and walked into the kitchen, mentally preparing himself for the way Magnus would treat him now that he knew.  
To Alec's surprise, Magnus was cooking breakfast.  
"Good morning, how did you sleep?" Magnus asked.  
"Fine, I don't remember going to bed though." Alec confessed.  
"Yeah, I carried you there, you looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. Besides I needed to pee."  
Alec laughed at this and went to hug Magnus from behind.  
"Go sit down, I will bring you your breakfast." Magnus said.  
"Mm'kay" Alec said reluctantly letting go of him.  
Alec went and sat down at the table. "So, what are you making?" Alec asked.  
"Well, we had eggs and bacon so that and coffee."  
"Sounds good," Alec said with a light laugh.  
Magnus finished cooking and brought the food and coffee with him to the table. They ate in silence for a while. Once they finished Alec noticed that Magnus was looking at him with a concerned expression.  
"Magnus," Alec said in a warning tone. "I'm fine, you don't need to keep looking at me like that."  
Magnus sighed. "I know, I just can't help worrying."  
Alec sat back in his chair. "I promise you I am okay." He said in the most convincing voice possible.  
Magnus just stared at him for a while. "I was thinking -" He was cut off by Alec's phone ringing. He looked at the screen, Jace was calling him. Quickly Alec answered.  
"Jace, is everything okay?" Alec said trying to hide the panic he felt even though there was no reason to be panicked, it was the morning.  
"Yeah, everythings fine, just wanted to ask if you and Magnus wanted to meet me Clary, Simon and Izzy at Takki's for lunch."  
"Yeah that sounds like a plan," Alec answered, thankful for the distraction they would provide.  
"What was that about?" Magnus asked mildly concerned.  
"Jace wanted to know if we wanted to meet him and the others later at Takkis for lunch." Alec said.  
"Yeah that sounds like a plan," Magnus answered, a slight look of relief crossing his face.  
"Well, i'm going to go shower and get ready," Alec said before getting up from the table. He hoped that Magnus would stop looking at him like he could break at any minute, it made him feel weak and vulnerable.

****

Alec and Magnus met the others at Takki's a few hours later. Alec was happy to see everyone was safe, it relaxed him as much as it was possible for him to relax.  
They were all laughing and joking together. Alec found that he was actually enjoying himself.  
He kept noticing Magnus's worried glances in his direction and hoped the others couldn't see, he didn't want them to know. He hated it when people worried about him. He was the older brother, it was his responsibility to worry, not theirs.  
They spent a few hours there before all deciding to come back to Magnus's to watch a film as there was no reports of demonic activity they assumed they had a night off.  
Jace and Clary were joking with each other and Alec was happy to see that Izzy and Simon were smiling and laughing.  
When they all got inside Jace looked at Alec and said, "Hey Alec, why don't you make a pie?" Jace just about stifled his laughter.  
Alec laughed lightly, smiling at the memory. "I thought we discussed this, I am not your bitch," Alec responded, still proud at that response.  
"Hey is it okay if I use the bathroom?" Izzy asked.  
"Why wouldn't it be okay?" Magnus said with a confused look.  
"Good point," Isabelle said, then left to go to the bathroom.  
Alec went to sit on the sofa next to Jace and Clary while Magnus and Simon were discussing what film they should watch. He was looking around at everyone and saw how happy they were. He was only mildly jealous of their happiness but was grateful that they were happy more than anything. He only hoped that he would be that happy one day. One thing he knew was that he was going to try and work on it. He had to. He promised Magnus that he was going to start taking better care of himself and he meant it.  
Izzy came back and looked pale. Alec immediatly sat up. "Izzy, are you okay?" he asked. Quickly racking his brain trying to think of how well he hid the razor in the bin from yesterday. Izzy came up to Alec grabbed his wrist and pulled him into his and Magnus's bedroom.  
"Iz, what's going on?" Alec asked.  
Izzy closed the door and looked at her brother sternly, tears brimming her eyes. "I found this," She said, holding up the razor from yesterday, still covered in blood.  
Alec paled.  
"I know, Alec, I've know for a while," Izzy said. Hastily wiping a tear away that escaped from her eye. "I just thought - I thought you stopped." She whispered. "I thought you were happy."  
Alec was shocked, unsure how how to respond. He went and sat on the bed.  
"How did you find out?" Alec asked, looking at his hands.  
Isabelle sat next to her brother on the bed. "I saw it one day in training." she said quietly. "Why didn't you ever come to me Alec? I could have helped you."  
"Iz," Alec said, unable to find any words. He looked at his sister and noticed that she had started to cry slightly. He hated that he was the reason she was crying. "I'm sorry." was all he was able to say. They just sat there in silence for a few minutes.  
"I want to yell at you," Izzy said, finally breaking the silence. "But I wont, I just want to understand."  
"Iz, can we not talk about this now?" Alec pleaded.  
"No, we are talking about this. Please. I just want to understand. I want to help." Izzy said, her voice stern.  
"Izzy, please." Alec said quietly.  
"Alec, I just want to help you, I care about you."  
"I know,"Alec mumbled. "I just can't, right now. Please just trust me." He was panicking now. It was hard enough telling Magnus last night, he didn't think he could do it again so soon.  
Isabelle gave me a sad look. "Please, Alec."  
He couldn't do it. He stood up and left the room, hurrying out the front door, ignoring Isabelle calling his name. He leaned back against the wall trying to steady his breathing. 

****

Magnus saw Alec hurry out the house.  
"Isabelle, what's happening?" Magnus asked, concerned about Alec. He saw how panicked he looked.  
Isabelle covered her face with one of her hands. "I don't know, Magnus. I don't know."  
"Iz, what's going on?" Jace said coming round from the living room.  
Magnus saw that she was holding a razor blade in her free hand and everything clicked. He dragged her into the bedroom.  
"Okay," he said. "Tell me what you know. Now." Magnus said, only slightly aware of the harshness in his tone.  
"I know what Alec does," she said looking at Magnus. "I've known for a while, I tried to talk to him about it today and he just stormed out." Magnus had heard enough. He hurried out the room to go see his boyfriend. When he got out the apartment he saw Alec leaning against the wall with his face in his hands.  
"Hey," he said, approaching Alec.  
Alec didn't respond.  
"Are you okay?" Magnus asked. Alec only nodded his head slightly before he answered. "I'm fine. I'm fine." He said, crossing his arms across his chest, looking at the floor.  
Magnus didn't say anything. He knew something was obviously bothering him. Instead he drew him into a hug, holding him tightly.  
"I made her cry, Magnus." He mumbled into his chest, his voice shaking. "I never meant to make her or anyone cry." Alec wrapped his hands around Magnus.  
Magnus kissed the top of his head. "I know you didn't," Magnus said. "You know you are going to have to talk to her eventually."  
Magnus felt Alec take a deep breath. "I know. I just.. I just hoped I could put off telling her for longer."  
"I hope she hasn't told the others," Alec said, leaning back slightly.  
Magnus looked into Alec's magnificent blue eyes. "I doubt she has, but you will have to eventually." He wished there was something he could do to make this easier on Alec, but he knew that he needed to do this all in his own time and the best he could do was support him through it. Magnus did understand a bit, he remember how he felt after his mother committed suicide. He just hoped he was doing everything right.  
"Come on, lets go back inside," Magnus said, half dragging Alec back inside the house. 

****

To Alec's surprise when he got back in the house, everything seemed relatively calm. They all watched a film, joked around. Clary's phone chimed.  
"It's my mum, she wants me home." Clary announced sighing. "Simon you staying with me tonight?"  
"Yeah," Simon said. He stood up kissing Isabelle quickly. "I'm going to stay here," Isabelle told Simon with half a smile.  
"What about you Jace? You coming?" Clary asked.  
Jace looked at Izzy. They shared a look. Alec realized then that Isabelle must have told Jace. He silently cursed himself for being so careless yesterday. "No, not tonight, going to stay here for a bit." Jace said, brushing his lips on hers. Alec was glad that Simon and Clary didn't know right now. He just knew it was a matter of time before they did and hoped it wouldn't be for a while. They would eventually notice how concerned Izzy and Jace were.  
"Okay, well we will see you all later," Clary said before her and Simon left to go to their house.  
Jace and Isabelle sat on the opposite sofa, worried expressions on both of their faces.  
Alec sat up, disentangling himself from Magnus, and let out the breath he wasn't aware he was holding.  
Letting out half a laugh, Alec said "So, I'm assuming Izzy told you."  
"Yeah," Jace said. "I just want to know why you didn't tell me."  
Alec looked down, then at Magnus for help. He didn't want to talk. He didn't know how to explain it. Most of all he didn't want to hurt them. He just needed some time to sort out how he felt and how he was going to explain it in the best way possible.  
"I think we should talk about this in the morning," Magnus said. "Everyone needs some sleep."  
Relief washed over Alec, he mouthed 'Thank you' to his boyfriend. Magnus nodded in reply. It was good having someone who knew what you needed.  
"Okay," Jace said reluctantly. Alec stood up to go to bed but before he could leave Jace got up and hugged him tightly. He forgot how fast Jace was. And how strong. He stumbled slightly. He stood shocked for a moment before hugging Jace back. After a moment Jace let go and looked him in the eye.  
"I hope you know that I am always here for you, no matter what." Jace said before turning and walking to one of he guest rooms closely followed by Isabelle.  
Alec walked into the bedroom and leaned against the wall. How did this happen? This was all happening too quickly for his liking. It had been two days and now 3 people knew. How did he manage to fuck up this badly? He didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to explain that he was alright. Really, he was. He just had.. some bad days. Alec didn't want to be the reason Jace and Isabelle were upset. Alec was only barely aware of the door opening and Magnus coming in.  
"Hey, How are you doing?" he asked.  
Alec shook his head. "I don't know," he answered. He looked up at Magnus and kissed him softly.  
"We will get through this," Magnus said. "You can get past this, Alexander. You are not alone in this." Magnus had his hand on Alec's cheek.  
Alec covered Magnus's hand with his own. "I know," he sighed. "It's just all happening so fast."  
Magnus pulled Alec into a hug. "We will sort this out tomorrow okay? Right now, we need some sleep."  
Alec nodded. Magnus pulled Alec down on to the bed. Alec rested his back on Magnus's chest, happy for the comfort he provided him with.  
"I love you Magnus," Alec said quietly. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone." Alec's voice was shaking slightly.  
"I know," Magnus responded. "I love you too." He kissed the top of Alec's head. "Lets get some sleep, okay?"  
"Okay," Alec said, resting his head on Magnus's arm. He let Magnus's calm breaths lull him to sleep, knowing he was safe in Magnus's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm adding another chapter ^.^  
> Please let me know if you have any comments on how I can improve my writing and if you would want more :)

When Alec woke the next morning he was alone. He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He kept thinking of the best way he could explain everything, Izzy, Jace and Magnus were all waiting for an explanation. He could hardly avoid it now, although he desperately wanted to just get up and run away. But he couldn't. He didn't want to give anyone more of a reason to worry. So, he got up and walked as slow as he could to the kitchen.  
When he walked in they were all sitting on the two sofas. Isabelle and Jace on one and Magnus on the other, with his legs stretched out on the coffee table, on the other. Isabelle got up like she was going to go hug him or yell at him. He wasn't sure, although he probably deserved to be yelled at. He put up his hand cutting off whatever she was about to say.  
"Wait. Coffee first." He said before walking to the coffee maker. Isabelle sat down slowly looking slightly disappointed.  
Once Alec got his coffee he went and sat next to Magnus, trying to avoid looking at Jace and Izzy by looking at the floor, he didn't want to see them hurting. It was killing him that he was the reason they were feeling like that.  
"So," Isabelle said, breaking the silence. "How are you feeling?"  
"I'm fine." Alec said, although he knew no one in the room believed it. Slowly he looked up at both of them.  
Alec sighed. "I'm assuming you are both waiting for an explanation."  
"Yes," Isabelle said. Alec could tell she was getting impatient.  
Alec sat back on the sofa and closed his eyes.  
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Magnus," He said. "I don't know how much I'm going to be able to say right now but I will try." He paused. No one said anything.  
Alec knew he had to continue, they were all expecting him to. "Firstly, I know I'm being stupid so please don't point that out. I already know."  
"Alec - "Jace started.  
Alec was only half aware of Magnus rubbing his back soothingly. He was glad he was though, it gave him the courage to continue.  
"Secondly, Please do not interrupt me otherwise I will loose my nerve," Alec said, cutting Jace off. He took a deep breath. He looked at the floor. It was easier to pretend he was talking to the floor than to the people that meant more to him than anything. "Okay, so. The last time I did - you know - was because I was overwhelmed with worry and the feeling that I was useless. Yes, I've been worried about all of you. Before you think it, none of you are to blame for my actions. Its more to do with me feeling like I am not good enough at protecting any of you. I can't bare the thought of losing you. Any of you." He stopped, trying to get his breathing steady again. "And no, that't not the only reason. Sometimes its one massive thing, other times its just little things that have been slowly building up."  
Alec's voice was shaking slightly. He couldn't say any more. This was more than he was prepared to say. He got up ready to leave, Isabelle went to stop him. He looked at his sisters face, full of concern. Full of concern for him. He had to get away for a bit. Just until he cleared his head.  
Alec stopped Isabelle.  
"No, please, just - just give me an hour."  
He turned and left the flat, relieved that no one followed him. Alec paused at the front of the flat before he started to walk. He wasn't sure where he was going but he had an hour. An hour to sort out his head before he could face any of them again.

****

Jace saw how disappointed Izzy was when she sat back down. They all just sat in silence for a while, unsure of what to say.  
It was Isabelle that broke the silence. "I just - I can't believe it. Why didn't he come to me?" She said in half a whisper.  
"Isabelle, you have to give him time, this is hard for him." Magnus said in a soothing voice.  
Jace wasn't really paying attention. He was kicking himself for not noticing before. Surely as his _Parabatai_ , he should have seen something, _felt_ something.  
"Stop it Jace," Magnus said, as if he was reading his mind. "I didn't notice and I'm his _Boyfriend_."  
Jace didn't reply.  
"I don't know how we can help him." Isabelle said.  
"The only thing we can do is support him," Jace said. Noting the surprised expression on Magnus's face. "That's all we can do, this is something that he is going to have to figure out on his own. But we can still be there to help."  
Izzy seemed to be processing this information and Magnus was nodding slightly in agreement.  
"Although, I do reckon we should get him to talk to someone." Magnus added.  
"He's got us," Isabelle said defensively.  
"I am aware of that fact Isabelle," said Magnus. "I just think he needs a third party. Someone he doesn't need to worry about upsetting to talk to."  
"I agree," Jace said.  
Isabelle sighed. "Fine. But only if he agrees to it. We are not forcing him into anything." Isabelle was being protective which made Jace smile slightly.  
They all decided to leave the topic until Alec got back. Magnus got up to make a call before sitting back down again, discussing with Jace and Isabelle anything that would provide a distraction. 

****

Alec came back an hour later. He sat on the sofa again next to Magnus. They looked like they hadn't moved in the hour he was away.  
He sighed. Alec laid down on the sofa, his head resting on one of Magnus's outstretched legs. He used one of his arms to cover his face.  
"So," He said. "What now?"  
Magnus rested his arm along Alec's stomach, holding his free hand.  
"What do you want to do?" Magnus asked.  
"I don't know. What am I supposed to do?"  
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Jace said.  
"Just let us know, yeah?" Izzy added.  
Alec took a deep breath but didn't answer.  
"I think," Magnus started. "I think it may be a good idea to talk to someone."  
"What, like a therapist?" Alec asked, slightly shocked at the idea. Although, it did seem like something he should do. Would he be able to actually talk to them though?  
"Yeah something like that."  
Alec considered this. He needed to show them he was okay. He needed to try and take care of himself, he didn't want to let them down. Not again.  
"Okay. But who would I talk to?" He asked. "I mean, I can't talk to a mundane doctor and I don't want to talk to any Shadowhunters. I don't want my parents to find out."  
Magnus smiled slightly. "I have someone in mind."  
Alec sighed. Was he really prepared for this? So much had happened in three days. He wasn't sure if he was happy with the rate things were going. It was too much in a small space of time.  
"When will be the earliest you would want to go?" Isabelle asked.  
"Not right now. Maybe in a day or two?" Alec answered.  
"What about tomorrow afternoon?" Magnus asked. "Would that be okay? or do you want to leave it a bit later.  
Alec looked up at Magnus. He hated seeing the concern and pain he had caused him. He couldn't let him down again.  
"Yeah. I think that will be okay." Alec saw a brief flash of relief cross Magnus's face.  
Jace stood up. "Now that's sorted," He said "Who's for lunch at Takkis?"  
They all agreed to go. Alec didn't realise he was as hungry as he was and glad for the prospect of food.  
He wasn't sure how happy he was that they all knew now. But he had to admit, it did lift a little of the weight off of him. He knew one thing was for certain, he knew they were good friends. They cared about him and that's all he wanted right now. He may not have wanted their support before but he was glad he had it. Alec smiled slightly. It was good to have people that cared, it made you feel less alone. The only thing left troubling him was the idea of having to actually _talk_ about his feelings. He ignored them for so long he wasn't exactly sure what emotions were what. All he knew was he had to at least try. If not for himself, then for them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any comments/suggestions/ways to improve please let me know

When Alec and Magnus got back to the flat they were both laughing about something that happened. Alec found that he had actually had a good time tonight despite everything that happened that day.   
Once they had got into the flat Alec took Magnus's face in his hands and kissed him hard. Magnus was only slightly surprised before he leaned in to it. Alec had pushed Magnus against the wall andd continued to kiss him. Magnus had his hands under his shirt, running them up and down Alec's back.   
Alec had grabbed hold of Magnus's elbows and pulled him toward the bedroom, kissing from his lips down to the bottom of his neck. Magnus was working on taking off Alec's shirt before throwing it on the floor and pulling on Alec's belt loops to bring him closer. They both fell on top of eachother on the bed and started laughing, obviously forgetting that the bed was so close. Alec rolled on top of Magnus and pulled his shirt off before continuing to kiss down his chest. Magnus's hands were exploring Alec's chest and back. Alec was fumbling with Magnus's belt buckle.

****

Alec was lying on his side resting his head on Magnus's chest while he was playing with his hair. They stayed like that for a while before Alec spoke.  
"You know, I haven't said thank you yet." He whispered.  
"Alexander, You don't have to say thank you."  
"Yes I do," He said. "Thank you for helping me when I didn't know I needed it."  
Magnus looked down at him. "I am always here to help you," He said and kissed the top of his head. Alec was glad to hear this. He didn't realise how worried he had been that Magnus would have left him if he ever found out. He knew then that Magnus was someone he should on to. If he was supporting him now, he was sure he would never stop supporting him. Alec just hoped he could do the same for Magnus when he needed it.   
Eventually they both dosed off, tired from the days events. It had been an exhausting day.

**** 

The next morning when they woke Alec was aware that Magnus was watching him sleep, his head propped on one of his hands.  
"Quit staring at me." Alec said sleepily.   
"Can't help it," Magnus said innocently. "You are so cute when you sleep."  
Alec lightly hit him on the arm before laughing. Magnus bent down to kiss Alec quickly. "Good morning." He said with a smile on his face.  
"Good morning sweet pea."   
Alec gave half a laugh. "Seriously, again?"   
"I do like that name," Magnus said. "I can always try and get it to stick."   
Alec started to laugh again. It felt good to laugh. He didn't do it often enough he thought.  
"So," Magnus said with a more serious tone. "Are you sure about today?"  
Alec took a deep breath. "Yeah. Besides, I have to start somewhere."   
"Okay," Magnus said. "Only if you are sure."  
"Am I allowed to know who you are taking me to talk to?"  
Magnus considered this. "Not yet, If you know how it is you will probably back out before you try it." He said quietly.  
Alec sighed. "Okay, But I will try it at least once despite whoever it is."  
"Promise?" Magnus said sounding hopeful. How could Alec say no? He was tired of letting people down.   
"Promise." A smile radiated from Magnus's face that made Alec smile.   
"Breakfast?" Magnus asked.  
"Yes," Alec said eager for food. "And coffee," he added before the both got out of bed.

****

Alec was surprised when Magnus said they would be driving to wherever they were going instead of using a portal. He thought this might have been to give him a chance to either change his mind or prepare himself. Alec was glad for this time. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was still such a shock.   
The hours passed by before they arrived. Alec looked out the car window and realised where he was.  
They were at Luke's farm house.  
"Seriously?" Alec asked.  
"Yes." Magnus said.  
Alec sighed. He was considering his options. He could open the door and run or he could stay true to his promise. He looked pleadingly at Magnus.  
"Before you do anything," Magnus said. "Here me out."  
Alec nodded, signalling him to go on.  
"Okay," Magnus said. "I had a choice between Catarina and Luke. I went with Luke because he is an ex- Shadowhunter so may be able to help with some of the Shadowhunter related issues because he will be able to relate to some. And if you ever needed to talk to him, he would always be available whereas Catarina is kept busy by her work."  
Magnus stayed silent waiting for a response. Alec could see where he was coming from, it did make sense and it was a good idea. He was thankful of how considerate magnus was over this and how much thought he put in. He was more worried he would run in to anyone here.  
As if reading his thoughts, Magnus said "And it's just Luke home. Jace and Isabelle are out with Clary and Simon and I'm not too sure where Joceyln is."  
Finally Alec nodded and got out of the car. Magnus got out the other side and walked up to the front door hand in hand with Alec giving it a supportive squeeze. Alec didn't realise how nervous he was.   
"You ready?" Magnus asked. All Alec could do was nod, he didn't trust himself to speak or do anything other than that. Magnus raised his hand and knocked on the door.

****

They were in what appeared to be a study. Luke was sitting on a chair behind a desk, mainly covered by books. Alec was pacing the length of the room, clenching and unclenching his hands. Magnus said he would wait in the living room for them till he was finished.  
"Magnus said you wanted someone to talk to." Luke said, following Alec with his gaze looking mildly concerned. Alec nodded. He didn't know how to start. He had actually never said the words out loud himself and was hesitant to. If he said them, it made it all real and he wasn't sure if he was prepared to. Alec had to, he had made a promise and he wasn't about to break it.   
"I -" Alec started then stopped. He covered his face with his hands.   
"It's okay," Luke said. "Take your time."  
Alec took a deep breath.   
"I - " He paused again and closed his eyes. "I self harm." He said quickly before he could change his mind. He half expected Luke to be outraged and disappointed and kick him out.  
Instead, Luke cocked his head to the side and said, "How long has it been going on?"  
Alec let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding before going to sit in the chair opposite Luke. "I don't really remember when it started." He admitted. ALec looked down at his hands, unable to look Luke in the face, afraid of how Luke would look at him now.  
"Is there any particular reason as to why?" Luke asked. Alec could tell he was trying to figure out the best way to help him. He started to pick at his jumper before answering.  
"Sometimes," he mumbled. "Other times its just things that have been building up over time. Sometimes its just one little thing that sets its off."  
"Okay," Luke said. "Do you feel comfortable telling me what those are or not yet?"  
Alec rubbed his hands on his legs. "I think I can say the few I know but I don't think I can say everything yet." He chanced a look at Luke. To his surprise he didn't see the pity or disgust he was expecting. What he saw was sympathy and to his surprise - some sort of understanding. That relaxed Alec a bit. It made him feel as though he could actually talk about this without worry about how he would be able to make him understand.   
"You don't need to rush it," Luke said soothingly. "This is about you, you can take as much time as you need, okay?"   
Alec nodded.   
For the next hour he did his best to explain things. He told him the same thing he had told Magnus, Jace and Isabelle. Alec was surprised at how... Easy Luke made this for him. Luke didn't rush him and he was patient. Best of all, he didn't have to worry about Luke hating him for it or being too over protective like Isabelle or Jace would be.   
Before he was ready to leave he asked, "You are not going to tell anyone what I've told you are you?"   
"No," Luke said. "Not unless you ask me to.   
Alec let out a breath. "Thank you." He said at last.  
Luke looked at him as if he was a puzzle that he was trying to solve. "Are you worried about your parents finding out?"  
He gave a small nod before looking away. "I would hate if they knew," He said. "My dad already doesn't accept me, if he knew about this... I don't know what he would do."  
"What about your mother?" Alec hadn't really given a thought to how his mother would react to this, but he knew how she would react.  
"She would probably blame herself for a bit and I hate being the cause of their pain."  
"I won't tell anyone," Luke said reassuringly. "Okay?"  
"Okay," Alec said.  
"So," Luke said finally. "Would you like to do this again?"  
"Yes," Alec said before adding. "If that's okay with you."  
Luke gave out half a laugh, "Of course it is. Should we say same time next week?"  
Alec agreed to this and they both left the room together. 

****

Once they got back to their flat, Alec flopped down on the sofa. He didn't realise how exhausting talking about his feelings was. He also didn't realise how much he had actually buried away. There was something he hated about having to bring it all up from where it was hidden. Then again, he did know that there was some good that was going to come out of this. There had to be.  
Magnus looked down at him on the sofa and sighed. "That's it, I'm not going to let you sulk."   
Alec started to sit up to protest but Magnus had already turned on some music. Magnus grabbed Alec's hands and pulled him up.  
"Wha -" Alec started.  
Magnus had started moving Alec's arms in an attempt to get him to dance. Alec couldn't help but smile and had to admit, it was kind of fun.   
Magnus smiled, obviously pleased that he had Alec smile.   
So they danced. Alec wasn't sure how long they were dancing but what he knew was that he was having fun and didn't want to stop. He did feel like a tiny weight had been lifted from him. He no longer had to keep a secret from Magnus, Jace or Izzy and he was actually doing something. It wasn't going to be easy, but then again, was anything ever easy? All he knew was at this moment, dancing with Magnus he was happy and he didn't want to loose that. He just hoped that he could have these moments more and more often. If that was possible, He was looking forward to it. It made everything seem so much brighter.   
A slow song came on after a while. Magnus pulled Alec closer and put one had around his waist and held the other hand. Alec had put his hand on Magnus's waist, unsure of where else to put it. They stayed like that and swayed for a while.  
"Do you remember our first date?" Magnus asked.  
Alec laughed. "What I remember was me being nervous and I ended up falling down the stairs." Magnus joined in with the laughter.  
"I remember that," he said. "That was actually a good date."  
"How?" Alec asked, slightly stunned.   
"Well," Magnus said. "We did actually have a good time despite the.. hiccups."  
Alec started to laugh again. "There were a few weren't there?"   
"Yeah," Magnus said, a smile starting to form on his lips.   
"Did you have a favourite?" Alec asked. "Hiccup, I mean." He clarified.  
"Well, It had to be the two guys on the subway singing The Butt Song."  
They both started to laugh at the memory.  
For the rest of the night they laughed at memories and danced along to the music.   
For the first time in a long time, Alec swore that what he was feeling was actual happiness. He forgot what it had felt like but if this was it? He wanted more of it. All he knew was this was one of the best feelings in the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gahhh i wanted to add another chapter so here have another one.  
> I have more to add but that's probably going to go in the next chapter

It had been a good few months. Everything seemed to be going well. Alec had been having a lot of good days. There were still bad days but it looked as though the good days were starting to outweigh the bad ones. He was happy to be back in a routine of everything. There had been some demonic disturbances but nothing him, Jace and Izzy couldn't handle. They had even been helping Simon train to be a Shadowhunter. Alec had been seeing Luke often and he had to admit, it had been helping. It was good to have someone to talk to especially when he knew that he could tell Luke anything. It was a much better way to deal with things. He had started to wear a rubber band on his wrist which he snapped against his wrist when the urges got overwhelming but he had started using that less and less. His dad; had even told him he was a good _man_.Alec couldn't believe it. He was actually happy.  
Alec was in the living room of Magnus's lost playing with the cuff of his suit. He had to admit, he was a bit nervous for tonight.  
"Stop that," Magnus said, Walking into the room in his black and white suit. He had toned down his usual look for today.  
"I can't help it, I'm nervous."   
"Do you still want to go?" Magnus asked.   
Alec nodded. "It's just strange. I would never expect my dad to want to have a family meal and invite you too."  
Magnus gave out half a laugh and rested his hand on Alec's cheek. "Well, technically I am part of the family. And he did invite Clary and Simon too."  
Alec considered this, It would have looked bad if his dad didn't invite Magnus.  
"I just hope everything goes alright," Alec Whispered.  
"It will," Magnus said. "And if it gets too much let me know and we will leave yeah?"   
Alec was glad Magnus was going with him. He wouldn't know what he would have done without him there tonight. He hadn't completely forgiven his father but he was making an effort to get to know Magnus. Alec didn't know how he was going to repay him for everything he had done for him over the past few months.   
"We should probably go now," Alec said. "I don't want to be late."  
Magnus smiled. "Okay, Lets go now." Magnus kissed him quickly on the cheek before taking Alec's hand and walking out the house with him.

****  
Alec and Magnus were sitting next to eachother on the table. Robert and Marsye were sitting opposite them, Izzy was next to Alec with Simon opposite her, Jace was next to Magnus with Clary opposite him. All the guys were dressed in suits and Izzy and Clary were both in dreses. Izzy was wearing a long black dress with heals that had a slit going up one side, gorgeous as always. Clary was wearing a dress that he recognised from somewhere. That's right - It was the silver dress she had worn in Alicante. So far the dinner had been going well. There was the polite conversation and the food was good - he had always liked his mums cooking. The only thing that was bugging him was that his dad seemed as though he couldn't look at him and Magnus together. It was something so small but it was starting to get to him. Why? Why today? What is it about his father that did this to him. He was going to ignore it for now and deal with it later. He had no intention of ruining this meal for anyone.   
He was able to put it off for a while.   
Magnus gave him a look as if asking "Are you okay?" Alec nodded in reply and tried to smile. He didn't want to worry him and he wanted to be fine.   
But he wasn't.   
He hated that his dad wouldn't look at him.   
Everyone had finished their meals by now.   
"Well, I need to take these plates back to the kitchen now," Robert said starting to get up.  
"I'll help you," Alec said. He wanted to talk to his dad. Magnus looked at him with a shocked expression. Alec squeezed Magnus's shoulder in an attempt to say he was okay.  
When they got to the kitchen and had put all plates down Alec turned to his father and took a deep breath.   
"Hey, Dad," He said. "I wanted to ask you something."  
"Hmm?" Was all he said.  
If he didn't ask it now he never would. "I was wondering why you haven't properly looked at me this entire meal," He tried to keep his voice as steady and as firm as possible.  
Robert sighed. "Alec," He said. "I'm sorry. It's just-"   
"Just what dad?"   
"I am not used to or completely comfortable seeing you two together yet," he said in a small voice.  
"This meal was your idea," Alec said. He had to admit, he was expecting this.   
"Alec," He said. "I'm _trying_ "  
"Yeah, I know." Alec said. He was starting to get angry. Why couldn't his dad accept him? What was so bad about him? He couldn't do this, not right now anyway. His mood was slowly becoming a bad one. He needed some air. 

****

Alec was sitting on the steps outside the institute. He was trying to calm himself down. He had his eyes closed and was resting his head on the wall. What was one of the things Luke said? Deep breaths? Count to ten? He was trying to do that. It wasn't helping much. He didn't even notice when someone came and sat next to him.  
"I'm fine," He said, Assuming it was Magnus, Jace or Izzy.  
"I know," He was shocked to hear Simon's voice. Alec opened his eyes and turned his head to the side.   
"Simon? What are you doing here?" Alec was doing his best to hid his surprise. He failed.  
"Well, I've notice how worried Iz has been about you," Simon said. "And I saw you walk out so thought I would come and check to see if you were okay."  
"Thanks," Alec said. "I'm fine, you don't need to worry about me." Alec closed his eyes and rested his head on the wall again.  
"Is this about your dad?" Simon asked. It was clear to Alec that simon wasn't going to leave till he was sure he was okay. He didn't respond.  
"I am assuming it is," Simon continued. Alec sighed. "I Just wanted to say, I don't remember everything - not yet - but I do remember my mum kicking me out because I was a vampire."  
"This is different, I'm not a vampire. I'm gay," Alec responded.   
"Just let me finish," Simon said. "What I was going to say is, I hated it. But the one thing that made it slightly better was that my sister didn't mind and didn't treat me any differently."  
Alec turned his head and raised his eyebrows at Simon.  
Simon sighed. "What I'm trying to say is - Maybe you don't need your dad's approval. You have Izzy's, Jace's Magnus's and everyone else." Simon sighed again. "I don't think I'm saying any of this right. Anyway, my point is that what really matters is the family you _choose_ and they all love you for who you are and I think that matters more than your dad's because he's just one person and there are way more people that love you."   
They both stayed silent for a while. Alec kind of understood what he was trying to say. He did appreciate Simon trying, that did mean something.   
"Thank you Simon," Alec said finally.   
"Well, I'm going to go back inside," Simon said standing up. "You coming?"   
Alec thought he might as well go back. He didn't want Magnus to worry any more than he probably was. He started to get up. "Yeah," He said.  
Once they got back inside they sat back at the table and Magnus reached for Alec's hand under the table and held it, rubbing his thumb over his hand. Alec squeezed it back in an attempt to say Thank you.   
They both tried to enjoy the rest of the night, it had been an alright dinner despite his dad. Alec was enjoying spending time with Izzy, Jace, Clary and even Simon. He was glad he had them all. Maybe Simon was right, maybe the family you choose is more important that the one you are born with.


End file.
